“I am my mother but I am not.
I am my grandmother but I am not.”
-Terry Tempest Williams
The Mother Wound is very similar
to the Sister Wound.
The “Mother Wound” has some initial sticker shock, because it is a lot to unpack. But the thing is, every single one of us has experienced the Mother Wound in our own unique way.
How? Well this particular wound stems from the traumas that women living in a patriarchal world inevitably experience.
It shows up in all areas of life—personal, cultural, spiritual, as well as collectively.
Before we dive deeper into what the Mother Wound is and how it shows up,
I think it’s pertinent that we acknowledge one of the reasons it’s so prevalent.
The Mother Wound is “taboo” to talk about due to the mother-daughter relationship being held in such high regard.
Talking about dysfunction in any relationship is often expected to be kept “behind closed doors.”
The lack of discussion around this particular wound is largely what keeps it in place.
What is the Mother Wound?
The Mother Wound is a social condition as a direct result of patriarchy.
It is the discomfort, pain, and/or marginalization of being a woman that has been
passed down through generations of women existing in patriarchal cultures.
It includes the dysfunctional, unhealthy, and often ineffective coping mechanisms used to process that pain.
When left unresolved, we pass the Mother Wounds down to our daughter’s.
According to Bethany Webster, psychologist, and pioneer in the 'Mother Wound,' there are different variations of the wound and how it shows up.¹
Personal Mother Wound:
A set of internal beliefs that limit us, turn into patterns, and originate from early relations with our mothers. They usually cause us to self-sabotage.
On a personal level, the Mother Wound is the set of painful patterns originating with our mothers that cause us to unconsciously limit or sabotage ourselves.
Cultural Mother Wound
The systemic belittling of women rooted in colonization, specifically mass media, causing most of us to question our worth and abilities in life.
On a cultural level, the Mother Wound is the cultural atmosphere of patriarchy, that says women are "less than" and how that belief in women's innate inferiority penetrates every aspect of our culture, from education, media, religion, to magazines, literature, and sitcoms and more.
Spiritual Mother Wound
A feeling of disconnect and alienation from Mother Nature and the Universe itself.
On a spiritual level, the Mother Wound is a wound with life itself, causing us to feel an existential sense of disconnection from a higher power; a sense of feeling alone in the world and in the universe.
Planetary Mother Wound
Most people in today's society are disconnected from nature and the planet. Between mass pollution, deforestation, extinction of animals, and climate control, not to mention the decline in food and health as a whole, Mother Earth is wounded. And so are most of us.
On the planetary level, the Mother Wound manifests as our disconnection from nature and the planet that gives us life, causing rampant pollution, extinction of species, and monopolization of resources, to name a few.
These wounds intersect,
and we are all affected
in one way or another.
Why is the Mother Wound Rooted in Patriarchy?
The male-dominated culture has conditioned women to believe we are less than, less deserving, and less worthy. This sense of unworthiness has been passed down from grandmother to Mother and so on.
An expectation that motherhood takes priority over everything else in a woman's life.
Support of the family at all costs, even self depletion/burnout.
An expectation of meeting all needs: nourishment, cleaning, caretaking, appointment setting, etc.
The expectation is that on the "outside," everything appears perfect. The perfect family, the ideal wife, the perfect marriage, etc.
When the Mother isn't financially supporting the family, she is told he 'makes all the money,' and if she wants to, she is told she shouldn't or 'has to' raise the children.
When women and Mothers conform to the expectations of a patriarchal society — they lose a part of themself. She then carries that pain, burden, and trauma on into her and her family's lives. Due to the taboo nature, so many of us never address these wounds. As Bethany Webster says,
"We must become conscious of the ways in which patriarchy deprives mothers and how that deprivation is delivered upon their children, ultimately crippling us all collectively, to some degree." ²
Whether you knew it then or not, I'm sure you have experienced one or more of the hindrances the patriarchal world has set on us women. These binds have been passed down to us both consciously and unconsciously:
Girls/Women should be sexy, but not too sexy.
Women should be successful, but no more successful than their partner.
Women should be strong but not 'too muscular.'
Women should be wise but not more intelligent than their male counterparts
Ways the Patriarchal World Encourages the Mother Wound:
Some of these may seem outrageous but take a few minutes to think about what you've experienced in life…
Do you have experiences that challenge this?
If so, did those women take any verbal recourse for it, positive or negative?
Was there a narrative that arose from her power or 'difference' in this patriarchal world?
Patriarchal culture reaches further than just women. Boys and girls, men and women, have been conditioned to believe that most feelings of sadness are considered "weak," "wrong," and/or should be hidden. Which leads to internalization and shame. Patriarchy enhances the Mother Wound, and this quote from Bethany sums it up better than I ever could:
"Shame is the main cultural enforcer of patriarchy. It is the primary emotion of the oppressed and the intended emotion of the oppressor because it paralyzes its victim. Shame makes us easy to control. It makes us compliant." ³
Identifying and Discussing the Mother Wound is not ‘Mother Blaming’
One misconception that keeps many women from healing the Mother Wound is that by
identifying our Mother Wounds, we are blaming our Mothers. But that is simply untrue.
Healing the Mother Wound is not blaming the Mother but rather acknowledging
that our Mothers who came before us were not given what they needed.
Instead we are identifying that it is in fact not their fault that; they were not able to mother us the way we needed.
That it is part of a cycle in which, they were also not given what they needed.
Looking inward at your own mother-daughter relationship with the intent of gaining clarity and insight to create positive change.
Transforming limiting beliefs we’ve inherited, intending to adopt new ideas that support wholeness.
Taking responsibility by becoming aware of patterns we were once unaware of.
How do we heal the Mother Wound?
Healing the Mother Wound starts within ourselves; it requires acknowledgment of the parts of life you have and haven't been held through. It also requires us to believe that we, as daughters, are not responsible for the emotional stability of our mothers.⁴ We can empathize, we can relate, but we are not responsible for their wounds or their healing of them.
Healing the Mother Wound can start with questioning your conditioning. What “norms have you accepted from your upbringing, either familial or cultural. What “norms” have you succumbed to with fear of judgment for being ‘different.’
In addition to questioning your socialization process, you may begin to ask yourself a few questions
Bethany Webster recommends starting with⁵:
What did you need from the Mother that you didn’t receive?
How did you cope with not receiving the love you needed?
How has it impacted you today?
In what ways have you made up for it?
Healing the Mother Wound is a complex and vital need for us all, individually and collectively.
Whenever a woman decides to question the status quo, speak her truth and is willing to go into the dark to find the light, the sisterhood as a whole is closer to healing.
Can you imagine the future generations of girls blossoming into strong women?
Can you imagine a world in which women know their worth?
Then you are ready to begin the inner work and I welcome you
to the feminine essence path of remembrance.
RESOURCES:
¹ — Webster, Bethany. Discovering the Inner Mother (p. 6–7). William Morrow. Kindle Edition.
² Webster, Bethany. Discovering the Inner Mother (p. 60). William Morrow. Kindle Edition.
³ Webster, Bethany. Discovering the Inner Mother (p. 72). William Morrow. Kindle Edition.
⁴ Webster, Bethany. Discovering the Inner Mother (p. 28). William Morrow. Kindle Edition.
⁵ Webster, Bethany. Discovering the Inner Mother (p. 98). William Morrow. Kindle Edition.